The majority of students in college today know how babies are made, how to protect themselves from the dangers of sex and, of course, how to rein in their desires. But even in our sex-drenched culture, have they been taught anything that helps them understand their erotic natures? Anything, to use a woefully outdated term, about making love?

Not even close.

By the time teenagers enter college these days, they're surprisingly sophisticated about some aspects of sex and disappointingly naive about others. They've grown up surrounded by sexual images in the media mixed with constant warnings that sex is inappropriate, immoral and quite possibly deadly.

Is it any wonder that many college men and women, suddenly free of parental chaperoning, rush headlong into campus sex with the abandon of starved dogs let loose in a butcher shop? And is it really any surprise that a lot of what they already know about sexuality is forgotten in their rush to sample the feast?

So while today's worldly young adults could teach their elders a thing or two about certain aspects of sexuality, there are still plenty of things they have to learn. The following items are based on interviews and surveys of students around the country. Some of them will surprise you, however far removed you are from your college years.

What they know

1. Sex can be dangerous. College students are pretty savvy about the horrors of sex. These days, sex-negative messages are drummed into kids' heads from the time they're old enough to See Dick Run. They know sex can result in unwanted pregnancy or awful diseases. But having a keen awareness of the misery sex can cause other people does not necessarily mean that the majority of college students are safe or conscientious when it comes to making their own choices.

{quote_top}2. Men should wear condoms when having sex. They know this, all right - and yet knowing what one is supposed to do and actually doing it are two entirely different matters. In fact, fewer than half of sexually active students report using condoms every time they have intercourse.

3. You always need to use birth control when having sex. Again, students know they ought to do this, but that doesn't mean they're consistent about protecting themselves. More than 35 percent of students sometimes forgo all birth-control methods.

4. Sex is fun; it feels good. If you're tempted to respond to this one with a simple "Duh," hang on a minute. Given the mind-boggling negativity surrounding sex in today's society, it can seem like an incredible awakening when a young person discovers that sex can be pure, extravagant pleasure. This can be a wonderful thing; it can also lead to some students going overboard and making poor choices.

5. Alcohol can make sex easier. This is a distinctly male impression. But it goes beyond the erroneous (and possibly felonious) idea that if a guy gets a girl drunk, she'll more readily agree to have sex with him. It also speaks to the fact that when a guy is intoxicated, he feels bolder and braver, so asking for sex gets easier. And, as in any numbers game, the more tickets you play, the more likely you are to get lucky.

6. Sex absolutely must be consensual. College students do realize that no means no - although a small percentage persist beyond that boundary. In one study, close to 8 percent of men admitted to forcing sex on a partner. Almost a third of women say they've been victims of sexual coercion. So do 11 percent of males.

Even among the vast majority of students who honor consent, plenty of them still look for loopholes. A little less than a third of men and 14 percent of women say they've lied about themselves to get someone into bed. Women advise their male peers to scrap the falsehoods and just be more patient. As one female student commented, "Women are likely to change the way we feel about everything, so just hang in there. I'm not saying that no doesn't mean no. I'm saying that if a guy isn't a total asshole, it might just mean 'wait.'"

{quote_middle}7. It isn't difficult to satisfy a man. Men know how to get themselves off. Women know how to get men off. Men know how to get men off. As one 20-year-old male said, "What do I know about sex? I know my penis goes there." As far as the basics are concerned, all students know that men don't require much more than that.

8. Women's sexuality is different from men's. Most students have a vague sense that women respond to extended foreplay, and that they're often more orgasmic through methods other than intercourse. But when it comes to experience with specific and varied techniques, or real comfort handling the female body, a lot of males and females are still groping in the dark.

9. There's more kink out there than most people think. College students today are familiar with all kinds of sexual diversity: homosexuality, bisexuality, threesomes, S&M, bondage, the works. Even those who haven't experimented with any of these variations - or don't care to - are inclined to view them merely as "not for me," instead of as some kind of bizarre perversion.

10. One-night stands can have major repercussions. "You have to be responsible about who you choose to have sex with," says one 20-year-old male. "You can't get away with a one-night stand and then just expect to fade into the woodwork."

Like it or not, college students know (or learn quickly) that in one way or another they'll have to deal with whatever fallout a brief sexual episode stirs up in their partner or themselves. They know the idea of "free love" never really worked for their parents because sex can almost never be innocuous or inconsequential.

What they should know

1. Anyone can get an STD. Despite all the warnings, students still think that sexually transmitted diseases happen only to other people. There's a lot of denial about the possibility of catching something serious.

Based on their behavior, students apparently do not know that they need to use barrier protection for oral sex; very few ever do. They don't know that you can't tell if someone has a disease by how "clean" they seem. They don't know that a guy needs to use a condom and a girl needs to use spermicide every single time they have sex.

Even when they do use condoms, students don't always know the right way to put them on or, just as important, take them off. (Clue: When you're still erect, hold onto the condom at the base of your penis as you pull out to make sure it doesn't slip off; then get up, remove the condom and throw it away.)

They especially don't like to think about the fact that, as one student put it, "There are so many people who have slept with so many other people on campus that you never know what someone might have. You've got to be careful. You can't tell by looking who has what." Amen to that.

2. Preventing pregnancy requires thought and effort. Sex-ed classes in high school must be pretty darn boring, because a lot of college students daydreamed their way through them. How else does one account for the fact that birth control is practiced so haphazardly?

Some of the most basic information seems to be lacking (to get yours, see "Birth Control Basics" on page 76). Half of college men don't know when a woman's most fertile time of the month is, and 41 percent of women don't know, either. Even those who understand the role of ovulation usually don't know that sperm can survive for days inside a woman's body, making unprotected sex at any time near ovulation risky.

Furthermore, as already noted, condoms aren't used as faithfully as they should be. Says one 19-year-old female student, "College men are so inconsistent about using condoms. They think that if you skip a few times you're still magically protected." She suggests that guys consider how ready they really are for fatherhood: "It's amazing how quickly a man starts buying condoms and using them religiously if he has truly examined that possibility."

Of course, women should consider their readiness for parenthood, too, and take responsibility for using an effective birth-control method in addition to a condom every single time they have intercourse.

{quote_bottom}3. Sex and alcohol make poor bedfellows. The "just say no to sex" campaign has had one unintended side effect: the marriage of alcohol and sex among college-age men and women who find they're too inhibited to do it sober.

As Salon magazine sex columnist Susie Bright puts it, "Alcoholic blowouts are everyone's perfect excuse for blind-sided screwing.... There's no way to 'do it' without an accompanying shame-a-thon, so at least liquor makes it quicker."

The resulting problems are legion: One of the main reasons students "forget" to use condoms is that they're too high to care. Alcohol fogs reason and restraint - which also explains its role in forced sex. And let's not forget that alcohol messes with sexual performance in men and numbs sexual sensation in women. Students who think sex is no good sober may never have tried it that way.

4. Choosing a partner shouldn't be a simple thing. "A lot of guys have sex with whoever they can get into bed," says a 19-year-old female sophomore. "They don't think about whether they even like the person." The problem, suggests a male senior, is that guys use sex to measure self-worth. "But life is not a contest to see who can screw the most," he adds. And until they learn better, says a 20-year-old female junior, women often use sex to kick off what they hope will be a meaningful relationship, not realizing that a relationship is just about the last thing on the guy's mind.

5. It takes skill to please a woman. Women's bodies are a bit of a mystery - even to a lot of young women. Consider the fact that 40 percent of college women don't even pleasure themselves. If women are unfamiliar with their own bodies, it's no wonder inexperienced men often fall back on the most basic and banal of sexual techniques. As one guy noted, "Appearing insensitive is a little better than looking inept."

Students can start educating themselves by checking out the dozens of explicit books and videos on the market. Isn't learning new skills the whole purpose of going to college?

6. Men need to pace themselves. Women seem to agree that men rush everything. They try to hustle their dates into bed too soon, and once there, they hurry to get down to the "real business" at hand: intercourse and orgasm. Across the board, women want men to slow down, both in and out of bed. They crave more romance, more old-fashioned one-on-one "dating," more conversation and, as one 21-year-old woman phrased it, "more foreplay, during-play and after-play."

Developmentally, guys seek a wide range of experiences during their college years, and this seeking often takes on a numbers-game quality. "You should have seen what we did last night" seems more important than the emotional aspect of what happened. But being aware of how you and your partner feel about sex together allows you to experience the encounter more profoundly. It also makes you a bigger man than mere numbers can reveal. So become conscious of the need to slow down (and remember that the occasional quickie is OK, too).

7. Everybody has different sexual needs. Beyond all the sweeping generalizations about men, women and sex lies another deeper truth: We're all a little different. Our individual desires, preferences, fantasies and physical responses are complex, idiosyncratic, maybe eccentric. We each have a sexual "fingerprint" that's unique and is constantly evolving over time.

Which brings us to the next item....

8. You have to communicate your desires. This is scary stuff, especially for inexperienced college students who still get drunk to dredge up the nerve to "do it" in the first place.

Telling a partner what really gets you going means taking responsibility for your full-blown sexuality. By saying, "I like it this way or that way," you're implicitly saying, "I like sex. I deserve pleasure. I have nothing to be ashamed of." Being open can be particularly difficult at this age. Part of your growth depends on figuring out what the hell you do like. Sure, you know what gets you off, but there's more to sex - intuitively, you know this. Telling your partner what you want without knowing what you want can pose an emotional paradox. Bottom line: Take a leap of faith in yourself.

9. Sex has a big emotional impact. No matter how cavalier students want to be about sex, there's no getting around the fact that when two people open their bodies to each other, they become vulnerable in unexpected and unimaginable ways. Our sexuality is tied inexorably to our emotional life. Women seem to know this instinctively, while some men prefer to think they won't feel any more of an emotional attachment to their sexual partners than they do to their school's football team. Yet, sexual involvement always triggers our fears, hopes, angers, yearnings ... the full gamut. And that's not a drawback.

10. Sex is about relationships. Sex doesn't happen in a vacuum. It occurs between two people in the context of a relationship, whether that relationship lasts two hours, two years or a lifetime.

And since every relationship is forever reconstituting itself, the erotic elements keep changing, too. Each relationship, each odd coupling of two special individuals, produces its own surprises. If you understand that, you'll have learned your lessons well.

Joy Davidson, PhD, answers your sex questions each month in "Ask Dr. Joy."

COPYRIGHT 1998 Weider Publications
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group

10 things most college students already know about sex ... and 10 things they should know

The majority of students in college today know how babies are made, how to protect themselves from the dangers of sex and, of course, how to rein in their desires. But even in our sex-drenched culture, have they been taught anything that helps them understand their erotic natures? Anything, to use a woefully outdated term, about making love?

Not even close.

By the time teenagers enter college these days, they're surprisingly sophisticated about some aspects of sex and disappointingly naive about others. They've grown up surrounded by sexual images in the media mixed with constant warnings that sex is inappropriate, immoral and quite possibly deadly.

Is it any wonder that many college men and women, suddenly free of parental chaperoning, rush headlong into campus sex with the abandon of starved dogs let loose in a butcher shop? And is it really any surprise that a lot of what they already know about sexuality is forgotten in their rush to sample the feast?

So while today's worldly young adults could teach their elders a thing or two about certain aspects of sexuality, there are still plenty of things they have to learn. The following items are based on interviews and surveys of students around the country. Some of them will surprise you, however far removed you are from your college years.

What they know

1. Sex can be dangerous. College students are pretty savvy about the horrors of sex. These days, sex-negative messages are drummed into kids' heads from the time they're old enough to See Dick Run. They know sex can result in unwanted pregnancy or awful diseases. But having a keen awareness of the misery sex can cause other people does not necessarily mean that the majority of college students are safe or conscientious when it comes to making their own choices.

{quote_top}2. Men should wear condoms when having sex. They know this, all right - and yet knowing what one is supposed to do and actually doing it are two entirely different matters. In fact, fewer than half of sexually active students report using condoms every time they have intercourse.

3. You always need to use birth control when having sex. Again, students know they ought to do this, but that doesn't mean they're consistent about protecting themselves. More than 35 percent of students sometimes forgo all birth-control methods.

4. Sex is fun; it feels good. If you're tempted to respond to this one with a simple "Duh," hang on a minute. Given the mind-boggling negativity surrounding sex in today's society, it can seem like an incredible awakening when a young person discovers that sex can be pure, extravagant pleasure. This can be a wonderful thing; it can also lead to some students going overboard and making poor choices.

5. Alcohol can make sex easier. This is a distinctly male impression. But it goes beyond the erroneous (and possibly felonious) idea that if a guy gets a girl drunk, she'll more readily agree to have sex with him. It also speaks to the fact that when a guy is intoxicated, he feels bolder and braver, so asking for sex gets easier. And, as in any numbers game, the more tickets you play, the more likely you are to get lucky.

6. Sex absolutely must be consensual. College students do realize that no means no - although a small percentage persist beyond that boundary. In one study, close to 8 percent of men admitted to forcing sex on a partner. Almost a third of women say they've been victims of sexual coercion. So do 11 percent of males.

Even among the vast majority of students who honor consent, plenty of them still look for loopholes. A little less than a third of men and 14 percent of women say they've lied about themselves to get someone into bed. Women advise their male peers to scrap the falsehoods and just be more patient. As one female student commented, "Women are likely to change the way we feel about everything, so just hang in there. I'm not saying that no doesn't mean no. I'm saying that if a guy isn't a total asshole, it might just mean 'wait.'"

{quote_middle}7. It isn't difficult to satisfy a man. Men know how to get themselves off. Women know how to get men off. Men know how to get men off. As one 20-year-old male said, "What do I know about sex? I know my penis goes there." As far as the basics are concerned, all students know that men don't require much more than that.

8. Women's sexuality is different from men's. Most students have a vague sense that women respond to extended foreplay, and that they're often more orgasmic through methods other than intercourse. But when it comes to experience with specific and varied techniques, or real comfort handling the female body, a lot of males and females are still groping in the dark.

9. There's more kink out there than most people think. College students today are familiar with all kinds of sexual diversity: homosexuality, bisexuality, threesomes, S&M, bondage, the works. Even those who haven't experimented with any of these variations - or don't care to - are inclined to view them merely as "not for me," instead of as some kind of bizarre perversion.

10. One-night stands can have major repercussions. "You have to be responsible about who you choose to have sex with," says one 20-year-old male. "You can't get away with a one-night stand and then just expect to fade into the woodwork."

Like it or not, college students know (or learn quickly) that in one way or another they'll have to deal with whatever fallout a brief sexual episode stirs up in their partner or themselves. They know the idea of "free love" never really worked for their parents because sex can almost never be innocuous or inconsequential.

What they should know

1. Anyone can get an STD. Despite all the warnings, students still think that sexually transmitted diseases happen only to other people. There's a lot of denial about the possibility of catching something serious.

Based on their behavior, students apparently do not know that they need to use barrier protection for oral sex; very few ever do. They don't know that you can't tell if someone has a disease by how "clean" they seem. They don't know that a guy needs to use a condom and a girl needs to use spermicide every single time they have sex.

Even when they do use condoms, students don't always know the right way to put them on or, just as important, take them off. (Clue: When you're still erect, hold onto the condom at the base of your penis as you pull out to make sure it doesn't slip off; then get up, remove the condom and throw it away.)

They especially don't like to think about the fact that, as one student put it, "There are so many people who have slept with so many other people on campus that you never know what someone might have. You've got to be careful. You can't tell by looking who has what." Amen to that.

2. Preventing pregnancy requires thought and effort. Sex-ed classes in high school must be pretty darn boring, because a lot of college students daydreamed their way through them. How else does one account for the fact that birth control is practiced so haphazardly?

Some of the most basic information seems to be lacking (to get yours, see "Birth Control Basics" on page 76). Half of college men don't know when a woman's most fertile time of the month is, and 41 percent of women don't know, either. Even those who understand the role of ovulation usually don't know that sperm can survive for days inside a woman's body, making unprotected sex at any time near ovulation risky.

Furthermore, as already noted, condoms aren't used as faithfully as they should be. Says one 19-year-old female student, "College men are so inconsistent about using condoms. They think that if you skip a few times you're still magically protected." She suggests that guys consider how ready they really are for fatherhood: "It's amazing how quickly a man starts buying condoms and using them religiously if he has truly examined that possibility."

Of course, women should consider their readiness for parenthood, too, and take responsibility for using an effective birth-control method in addition to a condom every single time they have intercourse.

{quote_bottom}3. Sex and alcohol make poor bedfellows. The "just say no to sex" campaign has had one unintended side effect: the marriage of alcohol and sex among college-age men and women who find they're too inhibited to do it sober.

As Salon magazine sex columnist Susie Bright puts it, "Alcoholic blowouts are everyone's perfect excuse for blind-sided screwing.... There's no way to 'do it' without an accompanying shame-a-thon, so at least liquor makes it quicker."

The resulting problems are legion: One of the main reasons students "forget" to use condoms is that they're too high to care. Alcohol fogs reason and restraint - which also explains its role in forced sex. And let's not forget that alcohol messes with sexual performance in men and numbs sexual sensation in women. Students who think sex is no good sober may never have tried it that way.

4. Choosing a partner shouldn't be a simple thing. "A lot of guys have sex with whoever they can get into bed," says a 19-year-old female sophomore. "They don't think about whether they even like the person." The problem, suggests a male senior, is that guys use sex to measure self-worth. "But life is not a contest to see who can screw the most," he adds. And until they learn better, says a 20-year-old female junior, women often use sex to kick off what they hope will be a meaningful relationship, not realizing that a relationship is just about the last thing on the guy's mind.

5. It takes skill to please a woman. Women's bodies are a bit of a mystery - even to a lot of young women. Consider the fact that 40 percent of college women don't even pleasure themselves. If women are unfamiliar with their own bodies, it's no wonder inexperienced men often fall back on the most basic and banal of sexual techniques. As one guy noted, "Appearing insensitive is a little better than looking inept."

Students can start educating themselves by checking out the dozens of explicit books and videos on the market. Isn't learning new skills the whole purpose of going to college?

6. Men need to pace themselves. Women seem to agree that men rush everything. They try to hustle their dates into bed too soon, and once there, they hurry to get down to the "real business" at hand: intercourse and orgasm. Across the board, women want men to slow down, both in and out of bed. They crave more romance, more old-fashioned one-on-one "dating," more conversation and, as one 21-year-old woman phrased it, "more foreplay, during-play and after-play."

Developmentally, guys seek a wide range of experiences during their college years, and this seeking often takes on a numbers-game quality. "You should have seen what we did last night" seems more important than the emotional aspect of what happened. But being aware of how you and your partner feel about sex together allows you to experience the encounter more profoundly. It also makes you a bigger man than mere numbers can reveal. So become conscious of the need to slow down (and remember that the occasional quickie is OK, too).

7. Everybody has different sexual needs. Beyond all the sweeping generalizations about men, women and sex lies another deeper truth: We're all a little different. Our individual desires, preferences, fantasies and physical responses are complex, idiosyncratic, maybe eccentric. We each have a sexual "fingerprint" that's unique and is constantly evolving over time.

Which brings us to the next item....

8. You have to communicate your desires. This is scary stuff, especially for inexperienced college students who still get drunk to dredge up the nerve to "do it" in the first place.

Telling a partner what really gets you going means taking responsibility for your full-blown sexuality. By saying, "I like it this way or that way," you're implicitly saying, "I like sex. I deserve pleasure. I have nothing to be ashamed of." Being open can be particularly difficult at this age. Part of your growth depends on figuring out what the hell you do like. Sure, you know what gets you off, but there's more to sex - intuitively, you know this. Telling your partner what you want without knowing what you want can pose an emotional paradox. Bottom line: Take a leap of faith in yourself.

9. Sex has a big emotional impact. No matter how cavalier students want to be about sex, there's no getting around the fact that when two people open their bodies to each other, they become vulnerable in unexpected and unimaginable ways. Our sexuality is tied inexorably to our emotional life. Women seem to know this instinctively, while some men prefer to think they won't feel any more of an emotional attachment to their sexual partners than they do to their school's football team. Yet, sexual involvement always triggers our fears, hopes, angers, yearnings ... the full gamut. And that's not a drawback.

10. Sex is about relationships. Sex doesn't happen in a vacuum. It occurs between two people in the context of a relationship, whether that relationship lasts two hours, two years or a lifetime.

And since every relationship is forever reconstituting itself, the erotic elements keep changing, too. Each relationship, each odd coupling of two special individuals, produces its own surprises. If you understand that, you'll have learned your lessons well.

Joy Davidson, PhD, answers your sex questions each month in "Ask Dr. Joy."

COPYRIGHT 1998 Weider Publications
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group

---

Comments (0)

Show/Hide comments

Write comment Show/Hide comment form

Name

Email

Title

Comment

Write the displayed characters

Add Comment